Letter to the Reader

Dear Reader,
      I have grown a lot as a writer during my time in college composition. When first starting the class I knew I was an okay writer, but that i definitely needed to improve on things like dialogue, and grammar. Over the semester I learned a lot about what makes good writing, and I applied this to my own writing to improve it.
    In my character sketch I use some of the new techniques I have learned, and I think my writing ability has been greatly enhanced by these new techniques. In my character sketch I use dialogue to show and not tell about my dad. We learned in class that there should be a balance between showing and telling, and I think I found that balance in my character sketch. Also I use more descriptive vocabulary that gives a better image of who my dad actually is. Before taking college composition my vocabulary was a little bland, and I learned how to use interesting word choice to enhance a paper. My character sketch definitely shows my improvements in writing. My seven deadly sins paper shows how I have greatly improved my introductions and conclusions. I learned how to start a paper that creates interest, and tells the reader what to expect in the paper. Also I learned how to use techniques like descriptions, quotes, and relations to broader topics to enhance a conclusion to a paper.
    My first blog entries are about my food paper. In my first entry How, Why, and What I Wrote in my Food Paper I discuss why I wrote the paper. Also I discuss what I was thinking when writing the paper, and what I like about the paper. The most important part of this entry is when I list negatives in the paper to change later. Next I have a before and after blog for my food paper. My first draft and revised draft are included in that blog and I detail what I changed, based on what I wrote in How, Why, and What I Wrote in my Food Paper. After revising the food paper I decided to brain storm three possible introductions that would better enhance my paper, and gather the reader's attention. All three introductions could be successful, but you can read them for yourself and decide which introduction you think would be best for the food paper. My food paper turned out to be a success after my revisions, and the process to make it that way is detailed in these entries.
    Next I wrote about my 7 deadly sins paper, and the first entry is about revisions that I wanted to make to the paper in the future. Also I discuss what parts of the paper I like and what parts need some work. Next I search for the perfect conclusion, and in this entry I give two examples of conclusions that could fit my piece. I think both are better than the original, but you can decide that for yourself. Next I made corrections to my draft of the paper, and I revised the paper to make it a better overall piece of writing. In my entry 7 Deadly Sins New and Improved I discuss my thoughts on the changes I made to my paper, and the overall piece, like where it was successful and unsuccessful.
    In my blog I next have an entry discussing my How To paper that was written in a group of three. In How To Revise I tell the reader what was easy for our group to come up with, and what other parts of the paper took sometime, and I detail some revisions that I think need to occur based on peer feedback, and rereading our paper. I talk about what is missing from our paper in order to make a successful how to paper.
    I wrote two more blog entries on my character sketch about my dad. The first is More Revisions for my Revised Character Sketch in this entry I tell you what I want feed back on in my character sketch, and I give my opinion on parts of the paper, and on the paper as a whole. The next entry is The Revised Revisions of my Original Revisions and this entry shows my final character sketch, and I detail what improvements I made to the paper to make it more successful. Also I discuss how successful I think the paper turned out, and how the feedback and revisions made the paper more successful.
    I am happy with the collection of blog entries I have made. I think they show growth in my talents as a writer, and also talents in how to revise and discuss my work. The papers I wrote about all reflect me as a writer, and they improve as they get revised. Overall I think that my blog is successful at showing off what techniques and skills I learned for writing in college composition.
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog entries!
Sincerely,
          Taylor S.

The Revised Revisions of my Original Revisions

    I am very happy with my character sketch after the most recent set of revisions I did on it. I added more dialogue to give more depth to my dad in the paper. I added instructions he would yell to me as he was teaching me how to play softball, and I also added an example of a story he would often tell about his baseball career.
    I deleted my brief conclusion, and used the paragraph that was before it, and I added a line about how I went inside and watched a yankee game. I really like this endign because it shows how much my dad influences me, and it ends with the point I wanted to make that he has a great impact on my life. I am very happy with the conclusion and dialogue in my paper now that I have fixed it. Other than that I did not see much more that needed to be changed. I did add a bit more explanation to paragraph two adding in this, “ It was a tie game, and the other team’s best hitter was up to bat, and he hit a line drive down the line so fast it was a blur, but I dove and caught the ball, everyone was cheering and I got a standing ovation.” Every time he would share this story he was surprised that I had heard it before. This story is just one of the hundreds I have heard over the years." I like this piece in the paper, becuase it gives a direct example of my dad's baseball days, and what he misses about them.
    After gettting feedback on this paper, I relaized a few areas that needed imprvoement, and I think that all of those areas were improved upon. I am satisfide with the outcome of my character sketch, and it gives a good representation of my dad.

Past and Present

    “I remember playing baseball at that old field right over there for three or four hours almost everyday after school, until it started to get dark. Then I would race down the hill on my bike to make it home before curfew. I still remember the great sensation of flying down the steep hill, with the wind blowing through my hair, and feeling free.” My dad explained briefly caught up in a memory of his youth.

            My dad had gone off on one of his stories about his childhood, this was an often occurrence, usually he begins by talking about baseball. He was, and still is a great baseball player, and he does not let me forget it either. He is constantly reliving his glory days, his homeruns, his diving catches, and championship wins. A classic story he tells always begins like this, “ It was a tie game, and the other team’s best hitter was up to bat, and he hit a line drive down the line so fast it was a blur, but I dove and caught the ball, everyone was cheering and I got a standing ovation.” Every time he would share this story he was surprised that I had heard it before. This story is just one of the hundreds I have heard over the years.  He gave up his MLB dreams to have a family, and this was a great sacrifice. My dad was such a talented short stop that he got an offer to go to a major league tryout. In a way he still gets his baseball fix through me. He helps coach my travel team, and has made me a good short stop over many years of practicing in the backyard. He would shout, “Use two hands!”, or “Charge the ball, don’t let them catch you sleeping!” He loves baseball, and he is not afraid to show it.

            Although my dad is not a player today he is an avid Yankees fan, and of course I followed in his footsteps. He shows his great devotion by wearing his Yankees hat. This particular baseball cap is old, tattered, sweat stained, and faded, but he does not care what it looks likes he still wears it proudly. He has that cap on almost every day, except for when he is at work; I’m sure he would wear it if it fit the dress code. Because of this, his chestnut brown hair is often plastered down on his head, with a bad case of hat hair, as it was the day when we were driving.

            My dad’s reliving of his glory days began that day while we were driving in his suburban. This truck fits him like a glove; it is a deep maroon, and a giant vehicle. The interior has a permanent smell of gasoline, due to the constant presence of his lawnmower in the trunk, which he often uses for his side jobs. The smell is not a pleasant one, but in a way I have grown to accept it. If I did not smell gas in his truck I would feel I was in the wrong vehicle.

We were driving home from my softball game and passing by his old neighborhood. I was observing the scenery of the neighborhood, the nice but modest homes, with the baseball field down the street. I could picture my dad as a child doing everything he had described to me so many times. I looked up at my dad, and observed how he had changed with age. I had seen pictures of my dad as a kid, and in many ways he had not changed. He was fifty two at the time, but he often was told he looked like he was forty five. Every time my dad received this compliment he got a boost of confidence that made him light up. My dad would often comment to me about how good he looked for his age, and other people reassuring him of this fact made him bring it up more often.

            As I observed him I could see some signs of his age. Grey hairs on the sides of his head were slowly creeping up, taking over and replacing my dad’s dark brown hair. His reddish tan face had slight laugh lines, and crow’s feet emerging. These subtle clues alone revealed his age, that and his taste in music.

            “Blue Moon…” he broke through the silence with his strident voice singing a song I have heard him sing too many times to count. He had popped in his CD and turned it up, blasting music like a teenager would, but the music was definitely not what a teenager would listen to. I looked at him and could not help but smile, as I saw him singing, and dancing to music that I just did not understand at all. In many ways my dad is still stuck in the past.

            We pulled into the driveway, and I asked him a question that had popped in my head during the car ride. “Do you miss your childhood, and glory days of playing baseball?” 

            He paused, and lifted his old, tattered hat up by the rim, and gently placed it back down. “I do miss baseball and my youth; I can’t say that I don’t. But now I have a family and you guys mean much more to me then baseball does.”

            I looked at him, into his dark brown eyes, and I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. I felt the coarse, thick stubble on his face, a result of not shaving in a few days. And with that I got out of the car, and walked inside to my room, where I placed my Yankee hat on my head and turned on that afternoon’s game.

             



7 Deadly Sins Paper: Reflecting

    When reading "All Seven Deadly Sins Committed at Church Bake Sale" I found it to be a humorous, and an easy to read piece. When drafting my paper I found it just as easy to write, the hardest part was the planning step where I developed my examples for the piece. After I had all seven deadly sin examples it was easy for me to put them together to create a story. Overall I did not find this seven deadly sins paper much of a challenge. While working on the draft I thought it was good, I liked how all of my examples worked well together, and how they were all realistic things that one might witness at a Yankees game. I realized that more detail might need to be added later, but the main examples and ideas in my opinion were solid. Upon reading through the draft yesterday I found what I thought I would find, a good thesis, introduction, and examples, but not enough specific details in a few of the examples. The only weaknesses I see now are the lack of some supporting details and more descriptions of the sins that occur during the game. My focus when revising my paper will be to add in more details to enhance my examples of sins at the baseball game. Also I will go through and correct my grammar and spelling mistakes. Through this paper I learned how to use exemplification in my writing by using examples of sins to work with my thesis.
    Revisions for my original draft of "All Seven Deadly Sins Committed at the Baseball Game" consist of adding details and specifics into some of my examples to enhance them and make them more interesting within the paper. Lust and Envy were the two examples I saw that needed the most detail added to enhance it. First I am going to add descriptions of people at the game when Jeter came out, and how over the top they were, descriptions of the people will help to make the example more clear and to get the picture of what it would be like to observe these people. Next I will add more to the lust example. I will describe in more detail the bat boy and compare him to Arod. Through his description it will emphasize why the boy wants so badly to be Arod. Other than this I think that my draft is good, and does not need any changes in the introduction or conclusion. Below is my original draft:
   
                                 All Seven Deadly Sins Committed at the Baseball Game

            I attended a baseball game at Yankees Stadium it was against the Red Sox so the stadium was at full capacity to see the two rivals go head to head. I was in section 209, and within this one view of the stadium alone I saw all seven deadly sins committed. Yankee Stadium holds over 50,000 people and if one row alone committed seven sins then thousands must have been committed during that single game.

            The first I witnessed was when the massive man in sitting in front of me returned from the snack bar. He had his arms filled with food, and not healthy food either, the greasiest and fattiest foods imaginable. He had fried dough in one hand, a corn dog in the other, a bag of cotton candy cradle in the nook of his arm, and an extra large soda in the nook of his other arm. With some difficulty he made his way into his seat, while temporarily blocking my view with his large figure. I could not help but to witness this obvious display of gluttony, as the man stuffed food into his mouth at a rate I did not think was humanly possible. He was done with all of his food in just a few short innings.

            During this grotesque display another sin had been committed. Derek Jeter, star Yankees captain and short stop walked confidently to his place on the field. As he did this two girls near me began to squeal and scream, they were totally out of control. They waved their giant sign that read I LOVE DEREK with pink hearts. They were overwhelmed with lust for Derek Jeter, and by the sounds coming from all around the stadium these two were not alone.

            As the game began I heard a loud noise in front of me, and I peered over the row. It was the large man who had since finished all his food, and had decided to take a nap. He was committing yet another sin as he snored away oblivious to the excitement surrounding him. His sloth did not go unnoticed as many avid fans glared at the sleeping man. He had come eaten and slept, all before even seeing the start of the game. I took my eyes of the man, and my attention went back to the action taking place on the field.

            Terry Francona, the Red Sox’ manager had stormed the field throwing his hat in the ground in a fit of rage. He was flailing his arms and arguing the call that ended the inning. His player had been called out stealing, and he obviously disagreed. He approached the umpire shouting things like, “Are you blind!?!” “What kind of umpire are you!?!” Everyone watched the manager as he continued with his display of wrath. Finally, the umpire made him cool down, by threatening to through him out. After this display the game continued on with no delay.

            In the fourth inning Alex Rodriguez, star third baseman for the Yankees made a remarkable diving catch to end the inning. From my view I could see the bat boy sitting outside the dugout staring at Alex Rodriguez. His stare was one of anger, and longing. He was obviously envious of Alex Rodriguez’s talent and charisma. I could tell he wanted more than anything to be just like him. The bat boy was over come with envy over everything Alex Rodriguez had that the he did not.

            Next inning David Ortiz, a Red Sox hitter, got up to the plate and immediately the infield and outfield moved back. Sure enough he hit a rocket it missed being a home run by a couple feet, and it bounced into the corner of the outfield. The Yankees were scrambling to get the ball in, and Ortiz was running to third. He looked and saw the ball coming in from the outfield, but he decided to go for home anyways. He dove into the plate, and was tagged out by the catcher. He went back to the bench, and I could see the coach scolding him for such a selfish move. It was obvious to everybody that Ortiz cost his team an out, and a possible run because of his greed on the bases.

            Towards the end of the game it was tied 2-2 and everyone was on the edge of their seats. The Red Sox hit a line drive and Brett Gardner started chasing it. He dove at the last second, and he made the play. The stadium burst it applause and cheers because that play could have saved the game for the Yankees. Gardner was clearly proud of himself as he bowed to the fans and did a victory dance for longer than was necessary. His pride for the play he had just made was evident from the way he responded to the crowds cheers.

            The game ended 3-2 Yankees, and everyone went home feeling great that The Yankees had beaten their rivals and usually toughest opponents the Boston Red Sox. In all this cheer and happiness nobody was at all concerned about the seven deadly sins that had been committed during the game. They were done right under everyone’s noses yet nobody seemed to care. I guess the seven deadly committed at the Yankee game were not as big of a deal as the victory they had all just witnessed. In this case the good out weighed the bad so the bad was simply forgotten.



More Revisions for my Revised Character Sketch

    Out of all the papers left to reflect on I wanted you to look at my character sketch because I think that this paper is well written, and I spent more time on this paper then on others. This paper is about my dad, how he acts, what he looks like, and what makes him unique.
    I liked the way I wrote this paper, and I feel that is accurately represents my dad. Two of my favorite descriptions are "This particular baseball cap is old, tattered, sweat stained, and faded, but he does not care what it looks likes he still wears it proudly.", and  "The interior has a permanent smell of gasoline". These descriptions give a good sense of the kind of guy my dad is, and they give an image in my head of his favorite things his hat and his truck. I think my descriptions of my dad give a good mental picture of who he is as a person.
    I think that I could add more dialogue to enhance the description of my dad, but my feedback from others often suggested that the amount of dialogue was fine. Also my conclusion could be changed to add a better ending statement, because upon reviewing i am unsure about the statement,  "I have always been a daddy’s girl, he got me into softball, and he is the reason I have grown to love the Yankees. But he is much more than that he is a great father, and he would do anything to support our family." It sums up what I am trying to say, but it seems sort of impersonal and abrupt. These are some weaknesses I see in my paper, but I would like to know what you think. One thing I want to know is if you think the amount of dialogue is appropriate (should there be more?). Also does the paper easily followed, are any parts confusing or in need of a better transition?. And the last thing I want feed back on is if any elements of my dad are missing, like do I need more about his appearance, personality, or actions, do you get enough information from the paper? Other than these three things feel free to comment on anything you think needs to be tweaked.

          Past and Present

    “I remember playing baseball at that old field right over there for three or four hours almost everyday after school, until it started to get dark. Then I would race down the hill on my bike to make it home before curfew. I still remember the great sensation of flying down the steep hill, with the wind blowing through my hair, and feeling free.”

            My dad had gone off on one of his stories about his childhood, this was an often occurrence, usually he begins by talking about baseball. He was, and still is a great baseball player, and he does not let me forget it either. He is constantly reliving his glory days, his homeruns, his diving catches, and championship wins. He gave up his MLB dreams to have a family, and this was a great sacrifice. My dad was such a talented short stop that he got an offer to go to a major league tryout. In a way he still gets his baseball fix through me. He helps coach my travel team, and has made me a good short stop over many years of practicing in the backyard. He loves baseball, and he is not afraid to show it.

            Although my dad is not a player today he is an avid Yankees fan, and of course I followed in his footsteps. He shows his great devotion by wearing his Yankees hat. This particular baseball cap is old, tattered, sweat stained, and faded, but he does not care what it looks likes he still wears it proudly. He has that cap on almost every day, except for when he is at work; I’m sure he would wear it if it fit the dress code. Because of this, his chestnut brown hair is often plastered down on his head, with a bad case of hat hair, as it was the day we were driving.

            My dad’s reliving of his glory days began that day while we were driving in his suburban. This truck fits him like a glove; it is a deep maroon, and a giant vehicle. The interior has a permanent smell of gasoline, due to the constant presence of his lawnmower in the trunk, which he often uses for his side jobs. The smell is not a pleasant one, but in a way I have grown to accept it. If I did not smell gas in his truck I would feel I was in the wrong vehicle.

We were driving home from my softball game and passing by his old neighborhood. I was observing the scenery of the neighborhood, the nice but modest homes, with the baseball field down the street. I could picture my dad as a child doing everything he had described to me so many times. I looked up at my dad, and observed how he had changed with age. I had seen pictures of my dad as a kid, and in many ways he had not changed. He was fifty two at the time, but he often was told he looked like he was forty five. Every time my dad received this compliment he got a boost of confidence that made him light up.

            As I observed him I could see some signs of his age. Grey hairs on the sides of his head were slowly creeping up, taking over and replacing my dad’s dark brown hair. His reddish tan face had slight laugh lines, and crow’s feet emerging. These subtle clues alone revealed his age, that and his taste in music.

            “Blue Moon…” he broke through the silence with his strident voice singing a song I have heard him sing too many times to count. He had popped in his CD and turned it up, blasting music like a teenager would, but the music was definitely not what a teenager would listen to. I looked at him and could not help but smile, as I saw him singing, and dancing to music that I just did not understand at all. In many ways my dad is still stuck in the past.

            We pulled into the driveway, and I asked him a question that had popped in my head during the car ride. “Do you miss your childhood, and glory days of playing baseball?” 

            He paused, and lifted his old, tattered hat up by the rim, and gently placed it back down. “I do miss baseball and my youth; I can’t say that I don’t. But now I have a family and you guys mean much more to me then baseball does.”

            I looked at him, into his dark brown eyes, and I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. I felt the coarse, thick stubble on his face, a result of not shaving in a few days. And with that I got out of the car, and walked inside.

            I have always been a daddy’s girl, he got me into softball, and he is the reason I have grown to love the Yankees. But he is much more than that he is a great father, and he would do anything to support our family.

           

           

How To Revise

    Our assignment was to explain how to do something, this seems easy, but it  is such a broad topic and therefore it is difficult to choose what to write about. Our group brained stormed ideas and we came up with How To Hand In Work Late and Still Get Credit. We chose this topic because all three of us could relate to it, and we were confident that we knew how to do this process well. The major obstacle we had while drafting was coming up with multiple examples. I think this is because we were stuck in exactly what we would say, and therefore we had one good plan, but we needed to provide multiple ideas for the reader. We would think of basic steps, but it was hard for us to provide many different options in the paper, and to include many excuses and ways to get credit. An example of this is in the section Plan what you will say, we ended up with some good examples, but it took awhile for us to explain how to plan what to say, because although it seems to be self explanatory a how to paper needs to be thorough, and explain in great detail every step of a process, so that the reader can do the process on their own. Other than expanding on our ideas, and examples we found it very easy to get an introduction and the major steps to the process, the details and expanding on our idea was the difficult part.
    After reading over the draft again, and seeing the peer comments given I think that we need to add more of a conclusion to the paper, and also possibly some more examples for each step, this will be challenging because it was hard for us to come up with what we already have. Under the step "Make up a Good Excuse" there should be a few more examples listed to give the reader more options. For example, it says family problems, but we should go into detail about possible problems, like an illness in the family, or a death. Also ways to answer teachers questions should be included as a side note, in case a teacher asks more about the reader's excuse, like be prepared to answer some questions from the teacher depending on the excuse you use. We could have even written down possible questions to expect based on the type of excuse that you choose to use. After these changes I think that our paper will be good. I really like our warning and our visual is perfect for the paper, also our introduction sets up for our topic well. I believe we do a good job of explaining how to hand in work late and get credit. Below is our rough draft:

How To Hand In Work Late and Get Credit

By: Matt Rybak, Taylor Schafer, and Garrett Wilkinson

                                                              

            No high school kid is ever able to hand in all of their work on time. Here are some tips and ways to hand in work late and still receive credit. Whether it be math homework, science homework, or another subject these tips should help you get credit for your late work.

1. Make up a good excuse like:

The excuse is the core of these steps, because if your excuse is not believable then you will not get credit for your work. Below are some examples of excuses that will work, but make sure that your excuse is detailed and makes sense for your particular situation.

·        Family Problems

·        Printer/ Computer did not work

·        Miss Communication/ unsure of the due date

·        Or any other believable excuse you can come up with

2. Plan what you will say

After you have your excuse you should plan exactly what you are going to say to the teacher. Many kids act nervous and in doing this give away that they are not telling the truth, so remain calm and practice will make you more comfortable with your excuse.

·        Don’t act nervous

·        Be ready to explain yourself

·        Have a the excuse prepared word for word before going into the class           

3. Pulling it off

Now you have to actually pull off your plan, and to do this you need to make sure you have a good attitude and are sincere with your explanation. Use these tips below to make your excuse easier to pull off.

·        Be sincere and apologetic

·        And again don’t be nervous

·        Be believable

·        Stick to your plan, don’t make things up on the spot

4. Afterwards

Once you have successfully completed your plan there are a few things you should do. In doing these things you will stay on the teacher’s good side, and you may even be able to get away with handing in homework late again.

·        Thank the teacher for excepting the work late

·        Apologize again

·        Promise to get work in by a certain date

·         follow through on this due date

Follow these simple steps, and you should have no problem getting credit for your occasional late work. Don’t forget to act casual, have a plan, and stick to your plan. After going through this process a couple off times you will learn how to hand in work late without stressing at all. This simple list of steps and tips should get you on your way to being comfortable with handing in late work for credit.

WARNING: If you use these steps to hand in your late work to the same teacher several times, they may suspect that you are lying and you will not receive credit for your work, so use these tips only when it is necessary.

7 Deadly Sins Searching for the Perfect Conclusion

    For my paper on the seven deadly sins I think my conclusion needs a little bit of work. The conclusion is suppose to restate the thesis of my paper, and conclude what I wanted to say within the paper. Because I feel my conclusion could be better, I have come up with two other conclusions that use two very different techniques to effectively sum up an exemplification paper.
My original conclusion:
    I attended a baseball game at Yankees Stadium it was against the Red Sox so the stadium was at full capacity to see the two rivals go head to head. I was in section 209, and within this one view of the stadium alone I saw all seven deadly sins committed. Yankee Stadium holds over 50,000 people and if one row alone committed seven sins then thousands must have been committed during that single game.

One conclusion technique is to mention the broader implications and the significance of the topic. This allows the reader to see how the paper applies to the world, and it helps them get a sense of the purpose of the paper overall.
    The Yankees defeated the Red Sox by one run, and everyone left Yankees Stadium excited, and in a good mood from the victory. Seven blatantly obvious sins were committed at the game but nobody noticed. This one event may be the same as everywhere else in today's society. People just simply do not care about committing the seven deadly sins anymore. They basically go unnoticed, and they are practiced by everyone everyday, and the baseball game I attended shows no different and therefore proves the theory.

-Another conclusion technique is using image or description to end the essay. This allows the reader to really get what you are saying through the detailed description you present. If the reader can see what you are talking about it helps them to understand what you are trying to get across more clearly.
    People happily swarmed out of the stadium, rushing to beat the traffic in the filled lots of the stadium. They left be hide wrappers, cans, and papers that now litter the previously filled stadium. The Yankees had defeated the Red Sox and the pumped up crowd had rushed out of the stadium. The sins that occurred during the game went unnoticed by the crowd, and they continued to happen, and probably will continue to happen in the future, but people do not seem to mind committing these supposedly deadly sins.
    I think that both of these conclusions are better than my original conclusion in summing up my paper, and in using techniques that keep interest. I like my second conclusion using description best, because the description lets the reader get an image in their head of teh empty stadium, and the feeling of the crowd as they left the game. It also emphasizes the fact that the sins committed were ignored, and the victory over The Red Sox was much more important. I like both of the new conclusions, and both could do a better job of concluding my paper than the original.

7 Deadly Sins New and Improved

    Now that I have added a couple more details to the examples of lust and envy, and tweaked my conclusion a little bit I feel good about the outcome of my revised paper. I think that these few corrections were all that were needed to give my paper a boost and a little bit more interest in the examples. Now I think that my Seven Deadly Sins Paper is a successful piece of writing and I do not see anything else that needs improvement.
    Through writing this paper I learned about exemplification writing, using all of the seven deadly sins as examples to prove my point. I used detailed descriptions, baseball facts, dialogue, and bits of humor to give this piece more interest and depth. I like how each example contributes as a whole to the big picture that all seven deadly sins were committed in plain sight at the baseball game.
   I also love this piece because I got to include information about The New York Yankees. I am a huge Yankees fan, and that is why I chose the baseball setting, because I have first hand experience in the setting, and I enjoy writing about it.
    Overall I really like this paper, and I think it is a great display of what I learned about exemplification writing techniques. The changes I made to the paper were very small, but they added to the paper well.

Below is my revised paper:

All Seven Deadly Sins Committed at the Baseball Game

            I attended a baseball game at Yankees Stadium it was against the Red Sox so the stadium was at full capacity to see the two rivals go head to head. I was in section 209, and within this one view of the stadium alone I saw all seven deadly sins committed. Yankee Stadium holds over 50,000 people and if one row alone committed seven sins then thousands must have been committed during that single game.

            The first I witnessed was when the massive man in sitting in front of me returned from the snack bar. He had his arms filled with food, and not healthy food either, the greasiest and fattiest foods imaginable. He had fried dough in one hand, a corn dog in the other, a bag of cotton candy cradle in the nook of his arm, and an extra large soda in the nook of his other arm. With some difficulty he made his way into his seat, while temporarily blocking my view with his large figure. I could not help but to witness this obvious display of gluttony, as the man stuffed food into his mouth at a rate I did not think was humanly possible. He was done with all of his food in just a few short innings.

            During this grotesque display another sin had been committed. Derek Jeter, star Yankees captain and short stop walked confidently to his place on the field, and with every stride he took people screamed and looked on with amazement. As he waved to the crowd with a quick, swift movement of his arm these two teenage girls near me began to squeal and scream, they were totally out of control. They waved their giant sign that read I LOVE DEREK with pink hearts, and they had on their over the top glitter Jeter shirts that displayed MRS.JETER. They were overwhelmed with lust for Derek Jeter, and by the sounds coming from all around the stadium these two were definitely not alone.

            As the game began I heard a loud noise in front of me, and I peered over the row. It was the large man who had since finished all his food, and had decided to take a nap. He was committing yet another sin as he snored away oblivious to the excitement surrounding him. His sloth did not go unnoticed as many avid fans glared at the sleeping man. He had come eaten and slept, all before even seeing the start of the game. I took my eyes of the man, and my attention went back to the action taking place on the field.

            Terry Francona, the Red Sox’ manager had stormed the field throwing his hat in the ground in a fit of rage. He was flailing his arms and arguing the call that ended the inning. His player had been called out stealing, and he obviously disagreed. He approached the umpire shouting things like, “Are you blind!?!” “What kind of umpire are you!?!” Everyone watched the manager as he continued with his display of wrath. Finally, the umpire made him cool down, by threatening to through him out. After this display the game continued on with no delay.

            In the fourth inning Alex Rodriguez, star third baseman for the Yankees made a remarkable diving catch to end the inning. From my view I could see the bat boy sitting outside the dugout staring at Alex Rodriguez. His stare was one of anger, and longing. He was obviously envious of Alex Rodriguez’s talent and charisma. I could tell he wanted more than anything to be just like him. This was understandable, because the bat boy was a gawky kid with freckles, and glasses. He did not look like he would ever accomplish much in the way of athletics, but I could tell that is exactly what he wanted. He wanted to be tall, built, and confident like A-rod, it was unrealistic but you could see that that was his dream. The bat boy was over come with envy over everything Alex Rodriguez had that the he did not.

            Next inning David Ortiz, a Red Sox hitter, got up to the plate and immediately the infield and outfield moved back. Sure enough he hit a rocket it missed being a homerun by a couple feet, and it bounced into the corner of the outfield. The Yankees were scrambling to get the ball in, and Ortiz was running to third. He looked and saw the ball coming in from the outfield, but he decided to go for home anyways. He dove into the plate, and was tagged out by the catcher. He went back to the bench, and I could see the coach scolding him for such a selfish move. It was obvious to everybody that Ortiz cost his team an out, and a possible run because of his greed on the bases.

            Towards the end of the game it was tied 2-2 and everyone was on the edge of their seats. The Red Sox hit a line drive and Brett Gardner started chasing it. He dove at the last second, and he made the play. The stadium burst it applause and cheers because that play could have saved the game for the Yankees. Gardner was clearly proud of himself as he bowed to the fans and did a victory dance for longer than was necessary. His pride for the play he had just made was evident from the way he responded to the crowds cheers.

            The game ended 3-2 Yankees, and everyone went home feeling great that The Yankees had beaten their rivals, and usually toughest opponents the Boston Red Sox. In all this cheer and happiness nobody was at all concerned about the seven deadly sins that had been committed during the game. They were committed right under everyone’s noses yet nobody seemed to care. I guess the seven deadly committed at the Yankee game were not as big of a deal as the victory they had all just witnessed. I guess the seven deadly sins do not really matter in today’s society, or at least at baseball games.  

           

Finding a Perfect Introduction for a Perfect Food

    The introduction of a piece is important, and there are many techniques that can be used to make an introduction interesting and dynamic. My original introduction was eye catching, but it was missing details to give a good sense of my paper. Also I want to test out different techniques to see what type of introduction would work best in my paper. My original introduction used statistics. Here are three different methods I could use for my introduction paragraph.

I could start my introduction with a quotation, because they are eye catching and interesting to draw readers into the paper.
    "Life is like a box of chocolates... you never know what you're gonna get."-Forrest Gump. Chocolate is delicious, sweet, and always good. But each chocolate brand is very different, and they each have their own strengths and weaknesses. I conducted an experiment in college composition where I sampled several brands of chocolate, and each one had a different taste, feel, smell, texture, and package. I sampled the brands of chocolate and analyzed what for me made up the best chocolate.

I could start my introduction with a good question that engages the reader, and makes them think about the topic of the paper.
    What is your perfect chocolate? How does it taste, feel, smell, and look? These are the questions I analyzed while doing an experiment in college composition on several different brands of chocolate. And in this paper I compare and analyze what characteristics of the chocolates make them good and which brand is ultimately my favorite. Chocolate is always delicious, and this makes it hard to determine which kind is the best.

I could start my introduction with description that makes the reader picture what I'm talking about and emotionally relate to the topic.
    Brown and luscious square, melting as soon as it hits your tongue into a pool of creamy rich sweetness. No grit no lumps just pure smooth that makes me want to eat this piece of chocolate forever. That is what I think of when I think of chocolate. And in this paper I analyze how certain chocolate brands measured up to my standards of the perfect chocolate. Based on an experiment that I conducted in college composition I judged several brands of chocolate on all the criteria that to me make up the perfect chocolate bar.

Food Paper Revisions: Before and After

    I enjoyed writing my food paper, and I especially enjoyed writing about chocolate. I think that overall this paper is successful, but the original draft does need to be changed and tweaked in a few areas. This paper was hard to start, but went quickly when I got into my analzye of different chocolates. I enjoyed writing this paper and after my revisions I think it is successful. Below is my original draft:

Chocolate

           

            Americans on average eat 10-12 pounds of chocolate in each year. If this is true then in my life I have eaten about 187 pounds of chocolate, if I live to be 80 years old I will eat 880 pounds of chocolate in my lifetime. If I lived in Switzerland that average would be 21 pounds per year, which would bring my total to 357 pounds of chocolate so far, and if I lived to be 80 in Switzerland according to statistics I would consume about 1680 pounds of chocolate. That is a lot of chocolate.

  According to dictionary.reference.com, chocolate is a preparation of the seeds of cacao, roasted, husked, and ground, often sweetened and flavored, as with vanilla. Studies show that there is a reason why people crave the taste of chocolate, not just because it is sugary, fatty, and delicious. According to chocolate.org, chocolate contains phenylethylamine (PEA), which is a naturally occurring chemical compound in the brain. PEA is a mood elevator, which is what causes some people to develop a chocolate “addiction”. People feel good when they eat chocolate, and this can cause people to crave chocolate. This explains why chocolate is known statistically as the most craved food by women. Chocolate has been around for thousands of years and as technology has changed; the way chocolate is produced has changed. Modern day chocolate has evolved into huge corporations competing for the top product with new chocolate creations hitting shelves every day.          

My duty in college composition was to judge the major chocolate brands, and decide which chocolate brand is the best. To properly judge chocolate you must smell it, feel it, observe its appearance, and taste it. Chocolate is not a cookie cutter food, there are endless variations, and no one person can say what type is best, it really is based entirely on people’s preferences. The types chocolate we tasted were Hershey’s milk chocolate, Dove milk chocolate, Godiva milk chocolate, and Lindt milk chocolate. These chocolates are all different, and they all are delicious in their own way, but I will explain my singular opinion on each one.

When I think of chocolate the first image that pops into my head is a Hershey’s milk chocolate bar. The simple packaging is memorable and uniform; this allows everyone to identify exactly what chocolate is Hershey’s. Hershey’s milk chocolate was the most unique out of all the brands I tried. It smelled very sweet and rich. It does not look shiny it has a dull finish and a relatively soft texture. When I bit into it the chocolate had a slightly grainy texture, it was not unpleasant but I favor a more silky, and velvety texture. The chocolate is very rich, and sweet. Hershey’s chocolate is the type I eat most frequently, but that is because of the price. I prefer other brands but Hershey’s is much more affordable then other types of chocolate.

            Godiva chocolate in comparison was much different in many aspects. The packaging was more complex, and contained the colors brown and gold. The chocolate is wrapped in gold foil giving it the appearance of something special. Godiva chocolate had a sweet smell, but it was not very strong. The chocolate was lighter in color than Hershey’s and it was glossier to the touch. When I bit into it, it was extremely silky, and smooth. The chocolate melted in my mouth almost instantly. The chocolate is extremely rich, but not as overpowering as Hershey’s milk chocolate. It has a larger depth of chocolate flavor, and it has a better balance between the bitterness of the chocolate, and the sweetness, while Hershey’s was overpowering with sweet flavor. Godiva chocolate is like a rare delicacy because of its high price point, but based on the taste test it makes sense that Godiva costs more than Hershey’s milk chocolate.

            The other two brands of chocolate fell somewhere in between Hershey’s and Godiva. They did not have as many distinct features that made them stand out, however a few characteristics distinguished one from the other. Dove had a more glamorous wrapper than Lindt did. It marketed the chocolate as a “silky promise”, and the small pieces had messages on them that appealed to women. Lindt had a simpler packaging with no fancy shimmer or marketing. A simple image of milk being poured over chocolate was all that the package had on it. The textures of the two chocolates were both very smooth, but neither melted in my mouth as fast as the Godiva chocolate. Lindt had a harder texture than Dove, and it also had a waxier feel, I did nit find the waxy coating to be as satisfying as the smooth, dull texture. As for taste, Dove had a richer chocolate flavor, while Lindt had a more milky sweet taste. Neither one had a very distinct smell. These two brands of chocolate were good, but they were not as unique as Godiva and Hershey’s.

            In my opinion I rank the chocolates we tasted in this order from best to worst, Godiva, Dove, Lindt, Hershey’s. Each brand had unique characteristics in packaging, texture, smell, and taste. I found it interesting that the price range from high to low is the same as my ranking of best to worst. Each person may like their chocolate in a different way, but for me Godiva is the perfect chocolate, and unfortunately the most expensive.  

           

    Upon reviewing my food paper I saw that my title was not adequate to give interest to the paper, therefore I changed my original boring title "Chocolate" to the new and improved title "Chocolate as I See It". The next change I saw was necessary was in response to question 1. I realized that my old introduction was an eye catching statistic but it went no further than that. The following is my old introduction. 
    Americans on average eat 10-12 pounds of chocolate in each year. If this is true then in my life I have eaten about 187 pounds of chocolate, if I live to be 80 years old I will eat 880 pounds of chocolate in my lifetime. If I lived in Switzerland that average would be 21 pounds per year, which would bring my total to 357 pounds of chocolate so far, and if I lived to be 80 in Switzerland according to statistics I would consume about 1680 pounds of chocolate. That is a lot of chocolate.
    I needed to add an explanation of what our class actually did, and how we compared the chocolates. This promises the reader that I will discuss the experiment and compare the chocolates. The following is my new and improved introduction.
    Americans on average eat 10-12 pounds of chocolate in each year. If this is true then in my life I have eaten about 187 pounds of chocolate, if I live to be 80 years old I will eat 880 pounds of chocolate in my lifetime. That is a lot of chocolate. My duty in college composition was to judge the major chocolate brands, and decide which chocolate brand is the best. To properly judge chocolate you must smell it, feel it, observe its appearance, and taste it. Chocolate is not a cookie cutter food, there are endless variations, and no one person can say what type is best, it really is based entirely on people’s preferences. The types chocolate we tasted were Hershey’s milk chocolate, Dove milk chocolate, Godiva milk chocolate, and Lindt milk chocolate. These chocolates are all different, and they all are delicious in their own way, but I will explain my singular opinions on each one.
    My food paper did already contain what I promised in the new introduction, and I used description, comparison, and definition in my paper. Because of this all that I had left to fix was a couple spelling and grammar errors and I was finished. Below is my revised fod paper:

Chocolate as I See It

           

            Americans on average eat 10-12 pounds of chocolate in each year. If this is true then in my life I have eaten about 187 pounds of chocolate, if I live to be 80 years old I will eat 880 pounds of chocolate in my lifetime. That is a lot of chocolate. My duty in college composition was to judge the major chocolate brands, and decide which chocolate brand is the best. To properly judge chocolate you must smell it, feel it, observe its appearance, and taste it. Chocolate is not a cookie cutter food, there are endless variations, and no one person can say what type is best, it really is based entirely on people’s preferences. The types chocolate we tasted were Hershey’s milk chocolate, Dove milk chocolate, Godiva milk chocolate, and Lindt milk chocolate. These chocolates are all different, and they all are delicious in their own way, but I will explain my singular opinion on each one.

According to dictionary.reference.com, chocolate is a preparation of the seeds of cacao, roasted, husked, and ground, often sweetened and flavored, as with vanilla. Studies show that there is a reason why people crave the taste of chocolate, not just because it is sugary, fatty, and delicious. According to chocolate.org, chocolate contains phenylethylamine (PEA), which is a naturally occurring chemical compound in the brain. PEA is a mood elevator, which is what causes some people to develop a chocolate “addiction”. People feel good when they eat chocolate, and this can cause people to crave chocolate. This explains why chocolate is known statistically as the most craved food by women. Chocolate has been around for thousands of years and as technology has changed; the way chocolate is produced has changed. Modern day chocolate has evolved into huge corporations competing for the top product with new chocolate creations hitting shelves every day.

            When I think of chocolate the first image that pops into my head is a Hershey’s milk chocolate bar. The simple packaging is memorable and uniform; this allows everyone to identify exactly what chocolate is Hershey’s. Hershey’s milk chocolate was the most unique out of all the brands I tried. It smelled very sweet and rich. It does not look shiny it has a dull finish and a relatively soft texture. When I bit into it the chocolate had a slightly grainy texture, it was not unpleasant but I favor a more silky, and velvety texture. The chocolate is very rich, and sweet. Hershey’s chocolate is the type I eat most frequently, but that is because of the price. I prefer other brands but Hershey’s is much more affordable then other types of chocolate.

            Godiva chocolate in comparison was much different in many aspects. The packaging was more complex, and contained the colors brown and gold. The chocolate is wrapped in gold foil giving it the appearance of something special. Godiva chocolate had a sweet smell, but it was not very strong. The chocolate was lighter in color than Hershey’s and it was glossier to the touch. When I bit into it, it was extremely silky, and smooth. The chocolate melted in my mouth almost instantly. The chocolate is extremely rich, but not as overpowering as Hershey’s milk chocolate. It has a larger depth of chocolate flavor, and it has a better balance between the bitterness of the chocolate, and the sweetness, while Hershey’s was overpowering with sweet flavor. Godiva chocolate is like a rare delicacy because of its high price point, but based on the taste test it makes sense that Godiva costs more than Hershey’s milk chocolate.

            The other two brands of chocolate fell somewhere in between Hershey’s and Godiva. They did not have as many distinct features that made them stand out, however a few characteristics distinguished one from the other. Dove had a more glamorous wrapper than Lindt did. It marketed the chocolate as a “silky promise”, and the small pieces had messages on them that appealed to women. Lindt had a simpler packaging with no fancy shimmer or marketing. A simple image of milk being poured over chocolate was all that the package had on it. The textures of the two chocolates were both very smooth, but neither melted in my mouth as fast as the Godiva chocolate. Lindt had a harder texture than Dove, and it also had a waxier feel, I did nit find the waxy coating to be as satisfying as the smooth, dull texture. As for taste, Dove had a richer chocolate flavor, while Lindt had a more milky sweet taste. Neither one had a very distinct smell. These two brands of chocolate were good, but they were not as unique as Godiva and Hershey’s.

            In my opinion I rank the chocolates we tasted in this order from best to worst, Godiva, Dove, Lindt, and Hershey’s. Each brand had unique characteristics in packaging, texture, smell, and taste. I found it interesting that the price range from high to low is the same as my ranking of best to worst. Each person may like their chocolate in a different way, but for me Godiva is the perfect chocolate, and unfortunately the most expensive.  

           

How, Why, and What I Wrote in my Food Paper

    My food paper is all about chocolate. Through writing this paper I learned numerous interesting facts about chocolate. I studied how chocolate is made, where it comes from, and how it has evolved over time. I incorporated some of these findings into my paper, and this knowledge of chocolate helped me when analyzing the different chocolate brands. It was hard to decide how to start my paper, because I had a lot of chocolate information going through my brain and I did not know what to put and what to leave out. Once I got the introduction out of the way I found that the rest of the paper was easy to write. Comparing the brands was not difficult because I had taken diligent notes to refer to for my paper. I liked putting my own opinions into this paper; discussing what I liked and did not like, and what chocolate brand was best. When writing this paper i used many writing techniques that we have learned. I used statistics with numbers, and many facts. Also I used compare and contrast, mostly subject by subject. I defined chocolate, and I used some listing throughout my paper. These techniques help to enhance the paper and make it more interesting for the reader.
    My paper, when taking a second look, did a good job of comparing the brands of chocolate, and explaining my opinions on each. I liked my use of facts and statistics however I think they could be placed somewhere else in the paper. My introduction needed to be more to the point, discuss the experiment we did, and my opinions on chocolate because it consists of mostly statistics, which are entertaining for the reader, but do not really promise anything for the paper as a whole. Also my title of "Chocolate" is not very original, I need to make it more eye catching, and telling of what is actually in the paper. My partner agreed that my title needed some help, and we both liked the title "Chocolate as I See It", this title provides more information, and more interest for the reader. He also suggested that more transitions would make the paper flow better, and this was good advice because I did not event think about that, until reading the paper again and realizing he was right. I received good input and suggestions that I will put in to improve the overall quality of my paper.
    I have a few things in mind to revise my chocolate paper, and the first is to change the title to "Chocolate as I See It". This is necessary to give the reader a sense of the paper before reading it. Next I will rework the introduction, shortening my statistic about pounds of chocolate people eat, and adding in information detailing the experiment we conducted, and my opinions on chocolate. I will add more of a smooth transition between the last two paragraphs, setting up more for the conclusion. After I make these changes I think I will be satisfied with state of my food paper.